Sometimes when new women come into Divine Feminine Wisdom, we use ideas and shortcuts for ideas that are part of our common language. The brave and courageous women who come to the wisdom circle ask – what is that? Or one of my co-moderators reminds it is time to revisit some working principles. Thankfully gmail lets me keep all my emails from the last few years and makes it easy to search and find things.
As I read the things I wrote preparing for my vision fast – I am reminded of how very ready I was to go empty out into the west of me. I am also reminded how vulnerable my mother wound was and why that made me particularly sensitive to not having my needs for physical safety and shelter met by my female guides. Unwittingly they recapitulated my mother wound. I am still not clear on how helpful that was to my journey. It gave me one more thing to rail against and one more thing to cut me to the quick. Not having that experience of abandonment would have allowed me to recognize my own inability to accept and receive. Yet I was able to go to someone who I perceived as maternal and caring and ask for what I need. So it is still a jumble.
The last few posts have been from my work with the circle and I have been feeling courageous – full hearted and brave hearted and shared them here. I am astounded at the level of connection that they make with people who read these odd musings of mine and it inspires me to continue to be vulnerable and undefended with my intensely private inner world and work.
I ask that you listen with the ears of your heart.
I am almost tired of saying this… but not yet…
Warming the Stone Child was the way I learned to create an internal
mother. I listened to that tape so much I just about wore it out. I
cried, and cried and cried…. Clarissa just said there, there, and
stroked my hair.
I had to make it real – I had to take the ember that exists in the
heart of the unmothered child and literally put it in my fire pit.
Then I got very tiny bits and pieces of dried things and built tiny
little fires for weeks and then little fires for weeks, and then
medium fires for weeks, and then I worked my way up to a fire that
would create a large bed of warm coals – and I would curl up on the
deck and watch the embers how they glowed and talked to me…
The last part was to internalize the bed of embers and the fire in me.
Then when someone tried to “rain on my parade” I checked with my
internal mother first – she would glow warmly or if needed she would
BLAZE up and after listening to her wise counsel – then and only then
would I entertain the person “raining on my parade.” Sometimes they
were right – often they were wrong – but together my internal mother
and I would figure it out ourselves.
Since then – I never have that sinking feeling in the pit of my
stomach when someone dislikes me or disapproves of me or chastises me
or snubs me or is ANGRY at me…
I believe in the power of the internal mother…
BTW she lives in the north – in the land of thinking…. The shadow
side of the north is the tyrant, dictator, codependent, enabler,
victim etc. In the four-fold path that I am working with – the
warrior also lives in the north… It took me awhile to integrate them
– but then I realized that my internal mother STANDS up for me. She
encourages me to take a STAND.
The north is all about showing up and being present and expressing the
powers of presence, communication, and position.
- I show the power of presence by standing tall and having an undefended heart.
- I show the power of communication by speaking from my own experience without pointing fingers at others.
- I show my power of position by accepting my leadership role and healing the tyrant, dictator, manipulating bitch of myself.
The wounded child lives in the south in the land of feeling… When
the wounded child is made whole – she graduates to the wild woman!
The internal mother of the north, goes to the wounded child of the
south and loves all the parts of her.
No work in the west should be undertaken until the wounded child is
healed enough to ask for help from the internal mother.
Reading this now – a year and a half later – I don’t think I would be so strident about some of my statements – I think I would leave more space for ambiguity – but that is who I was in that moment and I adore her.