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Life Death Life

February 22, 2008

Whoever shows are up exactly the right people.
Whenever it begins it is the right time.
Whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened.
When it’s over, it’s over.

~~~Harrison Owens

There are small quivers of uncertainty – but already, I feel a freedom and sense of expansiveness in the letting go of facilitating Divine Feminine Wisdom.  It was so much more than I ever imagined it would be.

We once had a woman remark “I would never shed tears over a yahoo! group.” At the time – I was not able to hear her words as terrified of loving and being loved. Of being afraid to fully engage with women who might touch her deepest woundings. Instead I was just pissed off! Months went by before I was able to integrate my feelings over that trigger. That was one of the many gifts of the group – the ability to mend ancient relationships in their expression in the here and now.

I have shed many tears over the group, the women in the group, the relationships and connections and disconnections and conflicts. I have laughed, and spit out my coffee on the keyboard, I have had righteous anger that illuminated my vulnerabilities and in all encounters – I was asked to be more of who I am – not less.

At the time of the comment above, I was deeply offended. This was the same woman who labeled me as all drama, smoke, mirrors and mysticism. Her anonymous comment is listed below the post. She triggered me in ways I didn’t think were possible! I learned so much about myself, my insecurities and doubts, my weaknesses and eventually, reclaimed parts of myself and brought them to the light of consciousness. Her fierceness matched my own and our tangles were legendary. And  underneath all that, I felt an adoring love of who she is and how she is striding out into her own wild and precious life.

There was once a woman who I pushed and pushed and pushed – or at least that’s how it felt to me. And she resisted and resisted and resisted – or at least that’s how it felt to me. I learned so much from her about timing and trust. She taught me that we each move to our own internal timing mechanism. Long after she left the group – she sent me an email. I am pasting a small piece of it here – to remind myself of the good we did as a group.

I know that I have thanked you before, but I will again. :)  It still amazes me how much of an impact you have had on my life.  What a catalyst you have been to me.  By sharing your own Journey, a path began to open before my eyes and along it were laid so many tools that I might never have stumbled across had it not been for you – books and CDs and exercises and ideas and the encouragement that comes from knowing others have gone before you.  You went before me and brought back such beautiful treasure to share with us all.  I will be grateful for those gifts forever.  Thank-you, Julie, for teaching me so very much.  You truly shared your Soul gifts with me and my life has been deeply enriched because of that.

And this is why I have shed so many tears – of joy, sorrow, rage, and humility over our experiences over the last two years. I am going to miss those interactions AND I am looking forward to the space that is opening.

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2 comments

  1. take it from somebody who has been there (in her own fashion, of course…) – that “opening space” is full of miraculous and magical aspects of self/other/one/All that seek your love and attention as surely as any portion of your experience in the past two years. Once I got used to the shift in how I spent my time, energy and healer’s focus, the BLESSED RELIEF to be free of so many (rather intangible and always demanding) leadership responsibilities and reflexes that are both universal AND unique to that always-morphing thing known as a yahoo group allowed me to understand that I was still performing service – teaching by example the lesson(s) of letting go in the spirit of wisdom and re-calibration.

    And of course … whole-other forms of humility and enchantment are waiting to fill the void. To me, moments of uncertainty and missing what-was are a good indication of how much heart & soul you truly gave to the endeavor.

    P.S. I found myself getting pissed-off that somebody asked if you were running away. I projected a presumed and yet entirely false “knowing” that was an open and shut door whose hinges creak with inherent audacity as well as mis-perception. Quickly realized that was something that HAS been so in my own case. For a long time I just didn’t think about it much -relegating the matter to being somebody else’s trip rather than my own. But it HURT, actually, to realize I was so poorly seen – through some inaccurate scrim of “knowing” that can get very dicey within a collective sphere that revolves around sacred female awareness and, thus, some measure of intuition. I have felt that many examples of women’s “wisdom” (as it tends to be practiced/shared at the vernacular, everyday level) is all too frequently [at least partially] misdirected as well as presumptious and unapologetic in its quadrant of error.

    Having now realized all of this was something WITHIN me waiting to be properly healed (as opposed to a cynical and maybe overly pointed observation…) I’m free to go to work on the aspects of such a matter that are held in my memory and cellular structure that DID pertain me. Had imagined I had all that settled but the way this sentence from your post pushed an internalized button helps me understand that perhaps I simply set it aside to grow stronger in my own self-awareness rather than *CONSCIOUSLY* holding the vestige of somebody else’s projection.

    So see? You’re still helping strong courageous women (at least this one) face themselves a bit more clearly and patiently. Nice job ;)


  2. Hi Julie ~ It seems that we are both on the road to changes, important changes in our life, each in her own way.
    I’ve just been to Divine Feminine Wisdom group and see that you wrote you are on hiatus, yet it shows that there are messages. Are you still running the group?
    Just wanted to say hello… and that I think of you often.
    Stella



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