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Two Years and Twelve Thousand Messages

February 21, 2008

For two years – my life has been full with my daily writing and interaction in a group of women – seeking the divine feminine within ourselves. I have learned more about myself in those relationships than I thought would be possible in a lifetime. In a condensed and compressed form – we have spiraled up and down and around and back again – members coming and members going and the core of us keeping the fire tended.

  • I no longer want to be the one who keeps the fire tended.
  • I am ready to let others tend fires of their own.
  • I no longer want to be the leader, the facilitator, the decision maker.
  • I am ready to let others make decisions that affect me.
  • I no longer want to take responsibility for the group process.
  • I am ready to be a member – watching and silently listening.

The underworld of me is stirring – again – and in the inner world convulsions – I am taking a risk – I am letting go of something that has been part of my life – every day for twenty four months (except when I was traveling without internet access).

In the life death life cycle of a group – how does one know the work is done and it is time to let it die so that space is created for new adventures? I really have no earthly idea! But I had a hunch it was coming to an end when I stopped adding new members. In some of our recent interactions with new members, I realized I didn’t have the patience anymore to do the work. I was done, done, done… Stick a fork in me I am done, done, done. I jumped the shark!

I am on the cusp. I was born on the cusp and because of that – and probably lots of other reasons – I live at the threshold and it is the place I feel most challenged, most alive, and most vulnerable. I am on one of those thresholds right now – and I have a strange sense of calm. Either I will be accepted into the program – or I won’t. Either way – whether I am admitted and begin the journey towards a new life of service – or if some other hidden opportunity is about to show up – I feel a need to create space. Letting go of this symbolic and important part of my life is creating a womb – a place to incubate and grow something new.

Last night, I dreamed of buying seeds. I have two garden plots – one in my own yard and one in a community garden plot across from our high school. In the dream – I was selecting seeds that I wanted to grow – the big expansive, vining, spreading plants in the garden by the school and the delicate, pretty, impractical, but lovely plants in my private garden. I didn’t even remember the dream until I called my husband at work to tell him what I was going to do about the group. He agrees the timing is right and seems surprised that I can let go so easily. I am in a bit of a state of shock too that I can let go – at all – let alone – with confidence that the timing is right. I feel twinges if regret for those who think they are not ready to fledge – but I know they will soar!

Last night I read this short vignette:

“Come to the edge, he said.

They said: We are afraid.

Come to the edge, he said.

They came.

He pushed them and they flew.”

~~~Apollinaire

One of the women asked me if I was running away – and I realized that I was running towards. Towards other experiences – some in groups – some one on one – and some in solitude. I have missed my solitude the last couple of years. The space that is opening will be partly filled with a return to art, writing, and reading – and of course working the land and letting the land work me.

Perhaps I will return and write here!

Perhaps not!

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