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Nurturing Parent of Me

October 28, 2007

Sometimes when new women come into Divine Feminine Wisdom, we use ideas and shortcuts for ideas that are part of our common language. The brave and courageous women who come to the wisdom circle ask – what is that? Or one of my co-moderators reminds it is time to revisit some working principles. Thankfully gmail lets me keep all my emails from the last few years and makes it easy to search and find things.

As I read the things I wrote preparing for my vision fast – I am reminded of how very ready I was to go empty out into the west of me. I am also reminded how vulnerable my mother wound was and why that made me particularly sensitive to not having my needs for physical safety and shelter met by my female guides. Unwittingly they recapitulated my mother wound. I am still not clear on how helpful that was to my journey. It gave me one more thing to rail against and one more thing to cut me to the quick. Not having that experience of abandonment would have allowed me to recognize my own inability to accept and receive. Yet I was able to go to someone who I perceived as maternal and caring and ask for what I need. So it is still a jumble.

The last few posts have been from my work with the circle and I have been feeling courageous – full hearted and brave hearted and shared them here. I am astounded at the level of connection that they make with people who read these odd musings of mine and it inspires me to continue to be vulnerable and undefended with my intensely private inner world and work.

I ask that you listen with the ears of your heart.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am almost tired of saying this… but not yet…

Warming the Stone Child was the way I learned to create an internal
mother. I listened to that tape so much I just about wore it out. I
cried, and cried and cried…. Clarissa just said there, there, and
stroked my hair.

I had to make it real – I had to take the ember that exists in the
heart of the unmothered child and literally put it in my fire pit.
Then I got very tiny bits and pieces of dried things and built tiny
little fires for weeks and then little fires for weeks, and then
medium fires for weeks, and then I worked my way up to a fire that
would create a large bed of warm coals – and I would curl up on the
deck and watch the embers how they glowed and talked to me…

The last part was to internalize the bed of embers and the fire in me.
Then when someone tried to “rain on my parade” I checked with my
internal mother first – she would glow warmly or if needed she would
BLAZE up and after listening to her wise counsel – then and only then
would I entertain the person “raining on my parade.” Sometimes they
were right – often they were wrong – but together my internal mother
and I would figure it out ourselves.

Since then – I never have that sinking feeling in the pit of my
stomach when someone dislikes me or disapproves of me or chastises me
or snubs me or is ANGRY at me…

I believe in the power of the internal mother…

BTW she lives in the north – in the land of thinking…. The shadow
side of the north is the tyrant, dictator, codependent, enabler,
victim etc. In the four-fold path that I am working with – the
warrior also lives in the north… It took me awhile to integrate them
– but then I realized that my internal mother STANDS up for me. She
encourages me to take a STAND.

The north is all about showing up and being present and expressing the
powers of presence, communication, and position.

 

  • I show the power of presence by standing tall and having an undefended heart.
  • I show the power of communication by speaking from my own experience without pointing fingers at others.
  • I show my power of position by accepting my leadership role and healing the tyrant, dictator, manipulating bitch of myself.

The wounded child lives in the south in the land of feeling… When
the wounded child is made whole – she graduates to the wild woman!

The internal mother of the north, goes to the wounded child of the
south and loves all the parts of her.

No work in the west should be undertaken until the wounded child is
healed enough to ask for help from the internal mother.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Reading this now – a year and a half later – I don’t think I would be so strident about some of my statements – I think I would leave more space for ambiguity – but that is who I was in that moment and I adore her.

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3 comments

  1. I believe that your courage and freedom of speech is a blessing for some people out there – starting with myself :o)


  2. dearest Julie I daresay there are *many* of us who would choose not to be as strident within the growth curve of a year and half’s worth of retrospect and development! In real time, I co-facilitate a group for leaders of many kinds because, in my view, we so badly need the ongoing company of each other in order to regenerate and grow properly. That, ultimately, is the only true way to be of service and inspiration to others in a way that’s authentically illuminating for us as well as everyone else.

    Leadership means so many different things, feeds/creates/disillusions so many expectations and wears soooooo many masks. It’s good to have access to more of your deeply personal thoughts/self expression on these topics. Am not part of your online circle but still gain a great deal of validation and food for thoughts from reading of your experiences within that group and what you share there. My philosophy on self-exposition is that the more forthcoming I am with the larger world, the more honest I become with myself. Have gone through several years of sharing pretty much everything from the viewpoint that I don’t care what others will have to say about it to NOT sharing nearly as much for the same reason from a very different angle of its meaning.

    It’s so interesting to reflect on the various communicative choices we make. Many people I meet at this stage of my life presume my reticence and deliberate self-restraint is the product of repression and things that need to be fixed. Some pass me by completely because of this; others pontificate or otherwise seek to ‘unlock the door’ they perceive. As a writer, I used to wonder if this left me with no choice but to lay myself absolutely bare for the rest of my time(s) even though that inherently means I would be backtracking in the healing and growth curve arenas. Finally I came to see our collective experiencing blooming in cycles. There will always be courageous people (I like to be inclusive enough to avoid simply saying “women/females”)who share deeply of themselves while others step back to take a break from the glare of resulting scrutiny in order to develop other aspects of collective and personal awareness. This understanding has really helped me to develop new dimensions as a communicator. Before I hit this point having people misunderstand the full nature of my retreat from the front line (particularly if they have no frame of reference for that extended period of my life and the work/experiences it produced)evoked emotions that have flowed from profound irritation (why are we ALL so inclined to think others’ reasoning and motivations will mirror OUR PARTICULAR experience and awareness?!?) to amusement (why ARE we that way?!!?) to the stark understanding that our commonly cherished choice to “plant” others within the road map of our own lives, and all they have contained, is a constant reminder that we also have the ability to stop, look and listen a lot more carefully than we may have dreamed possible.


  3. The idea that the healed wounded child becomes the wild woman is, when I read your post, so obvious and so true.

    In my case there was (and sometimes still is) such a painful and meandering path full of obstacles between the two, but all that walking has given me an emotional courage and a wild freedom, so that now I can say the difficult things about myself, or the things I find difficult about another to the other, with clarity and compassion, from my heart.

    I can also listen to the difficult feelings that are directed towards me, and I have, sometimes, found a fierce ability to sort the seeds of hurt from the chaff of denial.

    My long walk from wounded child to wild woman also taught me the importance of retreating into myself and not engaging with others, when that is what I need to do.

    Thank you for your courage and for writing from your heart.



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