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Drama Queen!

March 8, 2007

Ouch! Just got back from my visit with Salmon Boy. Yikes! Am I this blind? yup! Blind, blind, blind… Three blind mice! I am wandering around in a dark room with the lights out and my hands in front of me and I can’t see a darn thing! Of course any one who knows me could see this coming – but me? Nope! Nix, nada, nay. Just stumbling around in the coal black, pitch black, utter cave darkness of my unconscious.

Fortunately for me, I have a wonderful guide/mentor/green man/ coyote to walk this path with me. He reminded me of my Drama Queen self who got buried very deeply somewhere around the age of four or five. As we talked – I knew he was on to something – yet I could feel the resistance welling up in me. The emotional little girl who cried at the drop of a feather learned to bite her lip and cry silently inside or alone in her room, or walking the beach, or under the bamboo back where the water softener was under the ash tree. wow! I remember that suddenly – running outside after my cousin was killed and hiding in the bushes so that I could cry without being censored.

The role that I play in my life is often “she who weeps” and “she who feels strong emotion.” I used to call her “she who names things.” But not only does she name them – she feels them – deeply – and without shame.

Sometimes I think too much! I went round and round and got my knickers in a knot over this – thinking, thinking, thinking, becoming very aware of the sensation in my gut, wandering around in the mystery and what did I miss? EMOTION! duh! On and on I go talking about the four ways of knowing and working with the four directions yet somehow I missed taking this experience back to existential childhood wounding.

OK – I am going to go off and cry a bit – and comfort that little girl huddled in the bushes. I am so grateful to my husband for his loyalty and to Salmon Boy for his wisdom.

My wish for each of you is that you find a Salmon boy or other guide should you choose to set out on this Middle Passage or if like me you are thrown into by mysterious forces!

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