We write in order to understand

September 30, 2006
Drumming up the Sun at the Great Sand Dunes
Summer Solstice

First, I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind. If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to write about it. We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.
Robert Cecil Day-Lewis

The west of me is resting – a well earned rest… and it feels great to set that down for a bit. Each day – I spend some time there – drumming up the sun, or drumming down the moon… but for the most part it is dormant.

Words are an invention of the north-south polarity of thinking and feeling – the middleworld of everyday. I am a wordsmith and wordwright extraordinaire!

I can do THINKING and I have done much work there before I met AVI with the archetypes of the north – leaders, tyrants, nurturing parent,internal mother etc.

Since meeting Bill and Dianne at Sweet Darkness – I have continued to work with the wounds of the realm of feeling. I have yet to begin my work with the fully alive aspects of the south – but that realm is satisfying and content right now so it too is resting.

My current focus right now is the east – the realm of the visionary – the upperworld of spirit – sacred intention – prayer – soul gifts as original medicine.

I am gathering medicine… gathering my 100 sacred intentions, prayers, and words worth memorizing. I am spending some time with the bardic tradition that allowed Homer to memorize and recite the Iliad and the Odyssey. And also with the ideas of “solstice tales” that Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about – Winter being a time of turning inward and story telling as teaching.

With the turn of the clock, the moon, the sun, the rotation of the planet – I am moving into the darkness and for once greeting the autumn and winter nights with delight.

Right below the surface though is the despair!

The utter and complete despair that I will fail at this one wild and precious life.

In going through Vasalisa’s nine tasks I am revisiting letting what needs to die, die!

In claiming my original medicine and thinking about the universal shapes – my hidden gift is the spiral – growth, change, and evolution. I am gathering all the times and all the ways that I have been an agent of change in a woman’s life – invited in at a moment of crisis and held tightly while she struggled… and in time – she grew wings, outgrew me, and flew the coop.

This fleeing and abandonment used to devastate me… It started sometime in my late twenties and has been a major theme in my life ever since. In re-visioning – that gift – I realize that I never really wanted to stay attached!

I don’t have attachments that go back for years and years… I don’t keep in touch with people from HS, or college, or graduate school. People come and go – float into and out of my life – according to divine timing.

The wound was in not recognizing that my gift – when given – and taken – refreshes and replenishes and then attracts another soul on the cusp of a BIG CHANGE!

I spent most of the day yesterday at the university – people watching – looking for evidence of fire, passion, life, vision, all the things that come naturally to men and women in the college years – and it was an incredible affirmation and burst of energy to see that and feel that energy and vitality.

For many college is a time of idealism and passion – when we believe that anything is possible and that we can make it happen. FIRE has been a theme since the SoulCentric Developmental wheel intensive this summer.

FIRE is finding its home and its place and I am banking down the embers to gestate something for *me* for later. This time however – I will know exactly where it is and not have to go looking for it. That is a relief!!! and progress!!! and a manifestation of the fruits of my labors over the last four years.

OK I am now officially figuring it out while I type…. Thank you for listening.

What was the question again?


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